We Aren't Raising Children, We Are Shaping Adults.

I have avoided posting details about my childhood here.  Mostly in deference to my parents, whom I do not wish to hurt by dredging up the pain of something they can't change.  I have decided to break that silence and post about it today.  I know without a doubt that they love me unconditionally and that they did the best possible job they could have under the circumstances.

It Takes Time to Raise a Child

I am a slow learner. Not in the educational sense, but in the school of life sense. It seems to take me quite a bit of time to learn life lessons that I thought I already knew. Funny to think back now at how smart I thought I was at 20 and even at 30. I was just a baby and I thought I was all grown up. Silly me. Some people may actually be as smart as they think they are at 20 and 30, but I have learned so much about life, myself and human nature in the fifteen years since I turned 30 that I wonder how I ever managed to keep a job, live on my own, get married and sustain any relationships during those years.

Maybe it took me a while to learn some of these lesson because I delayed having children until I was 30. Having children teaches us so many things, the list is too long to cover everything I in a short blog, so I will save some of that for another time, but suffice to say, I am not the same person I was before I had my children. They have forced me to confront so many issues that I had no desire to deal with. They have made me a better person, but I am not finished yet. I am still a work in progress.

Growing up all I ever wanted was to be was a mom. It was my deepest desire and longing. Blessedly, I was able to see that dream come true four-fold. These four people are the most important people I will ever form relationships with. I have been fortunate in that I am able to be a stay at home mom. Although my children don't fully understand the benefit of having me around all the time; in time they will. Motherhood is a serious exercise in delayed gratification. The things that we do for our children from giving birth to breastfeeding to taxiing them from activity to activity are all things that, although rewarding in a sense, we will only see the full benefits that grow out of those things at some later date. Yes, patience and delayed gratification are definitely life lessons we learn as moms. Whether we thought we needed a course in these subjects doesn't matter, we receive the lessons nonetheless.

At no time in my children's lives up until now have I known without a doubt that mothering is not for the faint of heart. Admittedly, those first years as a mom, when I was birthing a baby a year for four years were hard. They were exhausting and draining, but those years pale in comparison to what I am experiencing now - ten years down the road. At 15, 14. 12-½ and 10-½, to say that mothering them is a challenge is an understatement. It is hard. It will take all of everything I am and everything I have knowledge of to get me through these next few years.

Gone are the days when all four of them followed behind me like baby ducks following after their mom. They no longer hide behind my skirts and look to me for constant reassurance. No, they are stepping out on their own in four different directions. Now I am the one following behind them, anxiously looking to them for a sign or reassurance that they know what they are doing - ready to step in if they need me, but staying safely behind the line they have drawn in the sand. It is so important that they learn how to handle their own business, and yet I am still their mommy in my mind. I want to be the one to kiss the boo-boo and make life all sunshiney again, but that's not my role any more. I haven't graduated to spectator, but I am no longer the orchestrator either, it is difficult to define the role of mom to teens and tweens. Advocate for sure. Director at times, adviser other times, but always, always Mom. Mom should always be available to our kids, no matter what age. Mom should consistently be a soft place for any child to fall. This is a lesson I am in the midst of learning.

My two oldest boys (14 and 12-½) are teaching me this lesson, to be more flexible and driving home to me the reason for my being a mom in the first place - to be that soft place, the one person my child can always count on for nurturing and understanding. I wish I could say that I quickly learned this lesson as soon as my boys started to pull away from me. I wish I could say that I haven't gotten my feelings hurt and traded barbs with them when they have told me they didn't want to be seen with me. I would be lying if I said that, though, and lying never got anyone anywhere. I haven't always been patient, understanding and nurturing mom. In an effort to get them to appreciate and respect me more, I have pushed them back as hard as they have pushed me and in the process I have pushed them even farther away and given them reason to respect me less. Boy, do I regret that. It's time for a paradigm shift, I can't keep going on with this same set of reactions.

All of my children deserve the best mom in the world. Unfortunately for them, they are stuck with me. However, horrible as I may be at times, I am teachable. I know how to admit when I have made a mistake and pull from that mistake some valuable lessons. I think I have managed to learn this lesson in a timely manner. It is in no way too late to forge ahead and make my relationship with my children (especially these two boys) better. Again, I will have to follow their lead and be there for them when they need me and back off when they don't. I will be empathetic instead of reactionary when they don't want me around. I can't let my ego be hurt by a normal childhood response to mom's presence. I have to be a mother and not a smotherer. They need that. They deserve that.

Yes, delayed gratification is the overriding and most on-going theme of motherhood. I just hope I live long enough to reap all the rewards!

My Spawn

I don't talk about my kids all the time in my blog. I believe there is nothing more nauseating than a bragging parent. People just don't want to hear about all the great things someone elses' kids do all the time. Why would they? Usually if I want to discuss my kids I will talk to my husband or a handful of close friend and relatives who I know will at least nod and act like they care. Well, today is an exception because I am going to brag on my kids for a while. This post has no other purpose but to wax poetic about what wonderful kids I have.

I was at Kindergarten Round-up at our elementary school yesterday when a woman walked in to register her oldest child for kindergarten. She had her younger three in tow. This brought memories streaming back to me of the day I brought my daughter to register for kindergarten - with her three younger brothers in tow. I was back in the moment. That is until I watched how those kids behaved in contrast to the way mine behaved on that day nine years ago.

Those kids were out of control. Running, screaming, knocking books off of shelves and tossing blocks around the play area we had set up. I distinctly remember my kids that day. They did not act like that. My youngest was just a baby, not even walking yet. He giggled an laughed at various people who spoke to him. The middle two boys, who were 4 and 2-1/2 at the time, read books and drew pictures while we waited. They were well behaved kids even then. They knew the consequences for misbehaving in public.

I made a comment to one of the women I was working with about a frustrating incident with my daughter that day. She couldn't believe I was talking about my daughter. "Oh, she is an angel, all of your kids are so great." I couldn't help but agree with her. They are great kids. They save all of their frustration and irritation for me; that's as it should be. They know I am a safe haven for them to test the waters and vent their anger on. I like that they trust me that much. They know how to be respectful of other people and their property, though. They never got away with disregarding rules.

So, there you have it folks, from the mother of the four best kids in the world. Let me leave you with a couple of tidbits that I find inspiring as a mom.

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it. ~Haim Ginott

If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. ~Haim Ginott

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~Chinese Proverb

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. ~Erma Bombeck

Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted. ~George A. Dorsey

Hot dogs always seem better out than at home; so do French-fried potatoes; so do your children. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

She didn't choose abortion - now what?

We all have our pet issues and problems that touch our hearts. Not just moms, but especially among  moms, the majority of us are drawn to matters that involve children. I've participated in ad-nauseum discussions on the issue of abortion, when life begins, and who has the right to terminate a pregnancy.