Mama Said There'd be Days Like this

Turns out Mama was right - there'll be days like this.  And they ain't fun.

I had a bad day yesterday.  A combination of unresolved health problems, my (warning: digression -very much needed [no matter what the New York Times has to say about over-medication of women for "normal" emotions, there are those of us who cannot live a quality life without them] psych medications) not being quite as effective as they could be, due to the aforementioned health issues - long story! coupled with a [figurative] gut punch from one of my teenagers left me bereft.

It left me bereft, crying, balled up in a fetal position wondering what in the WORLD I was going to do to turn things around.  It seemed pretty hopeless after hours of self-recrimination and hopelessness.

While talking to a trusted friend who told it was going to be okay, she told me that no matter how off the rails it seemed now, that I was doing a good job, and that I was tired, and in need of someone to take care of me for a minute, this (older than me!) chorus to this song popped into my head - Mama said there'd be days like this, Mama said.

Those words brought to me not only a sense of the impermanence of the situation, but also opened up a new dialogue in my head about my own teen and young adult years and the heartache I must have caused my own mother.  I didn't mean to.  I was only trying to find my own way in life - to make my own decisions, but certainly I gut-punched her on more than one occasion.

And guess what?  She's still standing!  She stayed steadfast in her love for me, and no doubt prayed a thousand prayers and shed as many tears for me, though I didn't deserve it, she did it anyway, knowing that there would be days like this and then, at some point there would be days like that.

I am quite content not knowing how long this day will last, as I look forward to days like that.  Days like that being days of victory because I spent some time in the days that weren't as victorious and learned [whatever] I was supposed to, and came out better for the experience.

Lamentations 3:21-23New Living Translation (NLT)
Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.

How to End Feelings of Inadequacy.

Guilt and feelings of deficiency have been with me for as long as I can remember.  I am hard pressed to figure out where these feelings come from, but I do know that they are, quite often, the motivation that propels my behavior.  My reactions to conflict in particular are clouded by these feelings.

Synkinesis: How I learned to Live with it

I made this video a few months ago to illustrate one of the complications some people experience after Bell's Palsy is technically healed.  Meaning, the degree to which my facial movement has improved is as good as it gets for me.

Fighting Satan

Over the past couple of years something disheartening as occurred in my life-- I lost myself.  I floundered around, desperately trying to fight my way back into existence and it's the biggest uphill battled I've faced.

Getting To Know All About Me

If this is your first time to stumble upon my blog, for whatever reason, I am SO happy you're here.  Welcome.

 I've been writing this blog since 2008, and have worked out many a problem through my writing about it.  Sometimes the problems I encountered lead to life-lessons I needed to learn, and I wanted to share those lessons with others, some posts were intended to provoke a call to action, still others were simply household hints and natural cleaning recipes I've picked up along the way in my years as a mom since 1995.

Am I Significant?

Personally, I want to matter. I want to be significant. I want to leave my mark on the world. Am alone in this wish? I think it is pretty universal. I think we all want our dash to mean something more than sheer existence. How we go about making that difference, and how to figure out how wide a net to cast in our endeavors are the things that hang most of us up.

Chase Away Mild Depression

 Many of you who know me, know that I recently entered into treatment for a severe depressive episode. Although living with Major depressive disorder is no picnic, I don't always feel crushing depression in my life. Why? Mostly because - I take my medication; I stick to a good routine; I check my mental pulse often. In a phrase: I take care of myself. Usually, I can shake off the cobwebs of a down period, because I stay on top of my mental illness. Obviously, that was not the case this year, when I allowed things to build and spin out of control.

How Things Are Going?

Yikes; I haven't updated this blog in a while.  The reason I haven't updated isn't because I haven't had a lot on my mind, because I have.  I guess I simply have a hard time articulating the internal workings of my mind.  Believe me, there is nothing simply about what goes on in my head.

I Understand Why People Attempt Suicide. (Part 2 )

You can Read part 1 here
Over the course of all the years I've been depressed and anxious, as I stated, I've found different ways to cope.  I've coasted along fairly well since the point where I accepted that medication would be a constant companion in my life.  I've changed medications a few times, been to therapy for a couple of different periods, and then... life goes on.  It's not something I think about on a daily basis, at least I didn't until recently.

I Understand Why People Attempt Suicide (part One)

I have tried to be as open as possible, on this blog, and in my real life, about my lifelong battle with depression and anxiety.  It hasn't always been easy to share, but I believe that monsters live in the dark and the only way to get rid of them is to shine a light one them.  And depression and anxiety are my monster.  I've dealt with depression/anxiety since I was 10.  I'm 47 now, so you do the math.  A long damn time, that I know for sure.  It has it's ups and downs for sure and I have tried a lot of things over the years to make things better for myself.  Or, I should say, to make myself feel better.

Healthy Mind, Body and Soul Journey 3/11/12

It's been a few days since I updated my blog.  A lot is going on here, so it's been hard to take the time to sit down and give the writing the attention it needs.

Healthy Mind, Body and Soul Journey 3/5/12

It only takes one small light to pierce the darkness.  That is one of the beautiful things about life.  On Friday, I felt pretty dark, but today I feel the darkness lifting a bit.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope it's a good light I can see at the end of the tunnel and not an on-coming train!

Healthy Mind, Body and Soul 3/2/12

A couple of days ago on my blog, I shared with you my struggle in changing my medication.  At the time, I stressed how important it is to just hold on, because nothing bad lasts forever.  Well, I have to tell you, I'm having a hard time holding on right now.

Healthy Mind, Body and Soul Journey 2-29-12

Two days before I started this blog series, on Fat Tuesday, no less, I went to the doctor for a medicine check. I've been on anti-depressants for almost 13 years.  My depression started long before that, at about age 10, but that was 1974 and not much was known about genetic mood disorders, and certainly not in 10 year old children.

Depression Sucks the Life Out of Me

The past year, for me, has been the hardest of my 47 years.  I've had some tough years along the way, but this one takes the prize.  As I sit here today I feel... numb.  I'm finding it hard to even grasp words I need to describe the depths of emotion I feel.  Depressed?  Yes.  Anxious?  Yes.  Worried?  Yes.  Scared?  Absolutely.  I feel all of those things and yet, it's difficult to describe the combination of emotional soup that is my mind and heart.

Wrestling with the Darkness

I admit, I have dark, brooding parts to my mind; it's just how I am. I have had to learn to embrace this part of my personality as well as the more light-filled parts of myself. When put together, all the parts make me, me. It is my belief, that God made me this way, and he did so for a reason. There are all kinds of people in the world, and differences are a good thing. My dark moods

Bebo Norman, "Pull Me Out"

I loved this song, Pull Me Out, by Bebo Norman the first time I heard it.  It reminded me that when I feel myself sinking into depression or I find myself in the midst of a panic attack, that I belong to God who will reach down and pull me out.  Isaiah 41:13 contains a promise from God that I need not fear depression and anxiety because he will reach down, take hold of my hand and help me.

It's all in your head. Only it's not.

Over the years as I have struggled with varying degrees of depression and anxiety, I have encountered many people who have become exasperated with me for not being able to simply choose happiness. Their exasperation exasperates me, to tell you the truth. Luckily, I have a husband and some close friends who really (I mean really) understand that it is not that simple.

Yes, negative thoughts, when continuous, can cause you to become anxious or depressed. Unfortunately for the clinically depressed/generalized anxiety disordered person, it is not snap-your-fingers easy to turn these thoughts around. They swirl around, and around in our heads on a never-ending loop of what ifs, darkness, gloom and lethargy. For some of us, there just isn't enough serotonin, norepinephren and/or dopamine created in the brain. Couple this with a surge of adrenaline that we get when we are anxious and you have a very bad combination. You have a person who just wants to flee or fight and doesn't have the energy to do either one. It can be paralyzing.

There are medications that help to stabilize and regulate chemicals in the brain, but these are not little, magic happy pills. We don't take them and then suddenly all of our problems are solved and we become blissfully happy. What they do is bring about a balance that allows us to have the ability to think in a different way, where we are not always at the mercy of whatever chemical is firing or misfiring inside us. Then, we have a choice.

Over the years that I have been on medication, I have done a lot of self-examination and have made great strides towards a life unencumbered by the baggage of the past. There are times of unusual stress that will cause me to have a set-back, however, and I will have to begin again to sort things out, perhaps change medication and get back on track. This is the place I found myself at this winter. There were several factors that contributed to my set-back. Looked at in isolation, they may not seem too overwhelming, but with everything hitting at once, it just took me over. Not in a sense that I was out of control, but it just became to tiring to pretend to be okay any more. Once the medical side was taken care of, it was time for me to start doing the healing work, making a concentrated effort to look on the bright side and freeing myself from the darkness.

I can choose happiness. I thought maybe just acting as if I were happy would bring about an attitude change. It doesn't. Not in a lasting way, at least. I don't want fake happiness or forced smiles. I despise fakery (yes fakery is a word. I deem it so) and people who put on a show for the world. I certainly don't want that for myself. I want genuine joy and abundant delight in my life. This can't be achieved by the fake it 'til you make it attitude that was popular a decade or two ago. At least for me it can't. For me, there are no shortcuts to happiness. I already have all of the outward trappings of happiness - a great family, enough to eat, clothes to wear, a home, money to pay bills, a 'job' that I love, no major catastrophes are going on in my life - it's all there. It's not that I take it for granted; I appreciate it all. It is just that I have to switch my focus at times and not force myself to be happy, but allow myself to be happy.

I came across this video of a song called As If by Sara Evans. The song is about love and finding the right person, but I think it applies to life in general, as well. The girl in the video is very fixated on finding just the right man. She goes through a series of 'perfect' men, only to ditch them when they didn't meet her expectations. In the end she realizes that the right man was there in front of her the whole time, she just couldn't see it because she had a vision of what was 'right' and 'perfect'. I think we do this in our lives more than we realize. We go searching for perfection, may even at times fool ourselves into believing that another person or a thing can provide happiness for us. In the end, though, we come to the conclusion that what we need for happiness, joy, bliss, delight, is right in front of us the whole time. We just need to look in the mirror to find it. We, ourselves, are the only person who can make us happy. We have to find contentment within ourselves, be satisfied and comfortable with who we are, and accept our own worth before we can truly be happy in this life.

Here's to self-love and lasting happiness.

Painful, ugly stories are often hard to tell. Yet they are most often the ones that need to be told. Our stories of pain, depression, apathy and self abuse allow others to understand that they are not alone. When we dig deeply into our own sordid pasts, tell the stories we wish were not true, that is when we are most helpful to others. As with many difficult things in life, the first step is the hardest.

I grew up in a middle class home. A Christian home. I was not abused or tormented in any way. I was also never told that I mattered. I was never encouraged. For an introspective, sensitive child such as myself, this was the worst possible scenario. I felt guilty that I felt bad about myself. After all, there were many people in the world who had things much worse off than I. Who was I to wallow in self pity?

These conflicting emotions led me down an extremely destructive path for a number of years. I didn't really care enough about myself to care that I was self-destructing. I never actively tried to kill myself, but I certainly did not care if I lived or died. I wished many times that I had never been born. I had no purpose or future beyond taking up space on the planet. I pushed people away and then lamented that I had no one in my life who cared about me. I drank myself into oblivion in an attempt to numb my feelings of worthlessness. I slept with random strangers in an attempt to find acceptance. I starved myself in an attempt to be more attractive. None of it worked. I felt isolated, alone and scared and I had no idea how to feel any other way.

One morning, after a particularly intoxicating night out, I had a moment of clarity that pierced the darkness just enough for me to understand that I mattered and what I was doing to myself was not okay. That was the beginning of the end of the self loathing chapter in my life. Oh, the pain surely did not stop that day. Nor the next one after that, for that matter. I had a long row to hoe in order to undo all of the damage I had done to my psyche and to my body over the years. Some of the damage I had done could never be undone. I was left with battle scars - self inflicted wounds of the war I had waged with myself for such a long time. They are reminders to me to this day that I never want to be in that place again. I thank my God that I never have to be. Luckily I did survive. By all accounts I should not have, but I did and grateful I am for that.

I wish, that back when I needed help discovering my value in the world, there had been a group like To Write Love on Her Arms. It would have been a tremendous help for me to know that I was not alone in my misery - not in a 'misery loves company' type of way, but in a 'there is strength in numbers' sort of way. My dark night of the soul happened more than 20 years ago, however, so there was no Internet, no way to connect in a positive way with other people who were struggling like me. I did the work on my own to get better, but I feel it took me much longer because I felt such guilt and shame. I couldn't even share my most private thoughts with my family for fear of condemnation. I fear that even now. Guess I still have some work to do.

Yes, it would have been better to have had a shared journey with others. It is too late for that for me, but it is not too late for you to understand that you are not alone. There are people in the world who have been through or are going through just what you are. No matter how dark, depressing, anxious or destructive your life has become there is always someone else who can relate. Not only that, there is also always hope. No one is beyond redemption. No life is beyond hope. There are people who don't even know you who are willing to love you through the dark times and bring you into the light of a brighter future.

I am one person among many who loves you without ever having met you. That is why I have chosen to take a huge leap of faith and not post this journal anonymously as I first intended to. I have decided to be brave and put my past out there for you to see that past mistakes are not something to be ashamed of. I have also shown my support today for all who feel the pain of depression, addiction, thoughts of suicide and just plain self loathing by joining others in writing LOVE on my arms. It is my simple act of support to let you know that I know what you are going through. I know how you feel. I have been there. Let this day not be the end, but yet a new beginning. Let me and others like me love you.