My last few posts have been about my effort to come to grips with prolonged illness. I have talked about the pain. I have relayed some of the lessons I have learned from the experience and have even shared some fears that I have overcome in the process. One thing I have not done, that I have not had the courage to do, is allow myself to be seen.
I have been too fearful to, for real, show my face. What am I afraid of? I'm not quite sure. Embarrassment? Maybe. Rejection? Perhaps. Well, whatever the root of the fear, it is time to face it, literally and head on. It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words, so my words here will be brief as I share with you the face of Bell's Palsy (with a corneal ulcer thrown in for good measure).
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| Before the illness |
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| Attempting to protect my eye |
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| Corneal Ulcer :( |
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| Tarsorrhaphy |
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| This is how I blow you a kiss. |
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| Yes, I am damn mad at this disease. |
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| A Smile. No really, it is. |
The other day, during a conversation with some friends, the subject of Botox and plastic surgery came up. I thought of all the times I looked in the mirror and disliked my nose or the little mole next to my right eye or the ever developing wrinkles all over or myriad other imperfections here and there. I thought about all the things I have hated about my face, and at that moment --none of it mattered. Who cares if I have a few wrinkles, moles or even a big ol' honker?
No Botox or plastic surgery for me! I just want to be able to laugh, smile and kiss my loved ones with my whole face again. I wish it hadn't taken this drastic illness to push me toward a revelation of self acceptance and realization that my face does not define my worth, nor my beauty; as is usually the case with me, I have to learn the hard way.
So, there you have it folks. Once I hit PUBLISH POST here, I will have faced fear number, 1,987 or some such, and will be *this* much closer to living without fear. Meh, no one reads this stuff anyway, right?
Charm is deceptive and beauty disappears, but a woman who honors the Lord should be praised.~Proverbs 31:30
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.~ 1 John 4:18
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Kim, you are beautiful and I love you. This made me smile and tear up a little because you are just so darn awesome. <3
ReplyDeleteAs KT said, you are beautiful. While I'm sad you are suffering, I'm glad it has brought you to accept yourself.
ReplyDeleteI had this revelation when my front tooth got knocked out. In that moment I realized how superficial we are as a society. I could not bring myself to walk around in public like that. It was such a learning experience for me. Something I have drawn from since.
Thanks for sharing your story :-)