Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Love It or Hate It. I can't Decide.

I have a love hate relationship with the Internet in general and with blogging in particular.  On the one hand, I love the freedom to gather information and write whatever I want to that blogging affords me.  I also like that other people can read what I write and give me feedback versus simply writing my thoughts down in a spiral notebook (of which I have many tucked away in various corners of my house) where no one will probably ever read what I have written.  I also enjoy connecting with new people and reconnecting with people from my past.  Those are a few of the positive aspects of being 'out there' in cyber-space. 

On the other hand are the negatives that I can't seem to shake to the extent that I could a few years, or even a few months ago, so I find myself reevaluating the usefulness of continuing to blog, which is essentially laying my heart and soul bare for others to view, dissect and discuss.  One of the most disturbing aspects is my feeling of irrelevance.  This is not a new feeling.  I have felt incidental in most settings all of my life.  Not hated or rejected so much as invisible.  No, it's not a new feeling, just a new setting for an old feeling; a feeling I would dearly love to put aside and never have to revisit.  I am not sure that the cold world of the Internet is the place to master this desire, however.  I think that by making myself vulnerable in my writing, by writing about such personal things, I have only exacerbated my feelings of insignificance because I can see that it's really not that important to anyone else.  I'm not that important to anyone else.  Except maybe someone who has an axe to grind with me, or someone who wants to find a reason to dislike me.  Those people seem to be the only ones clamoring to read what I write. 

I'm not here to throw a Pity Party or to make people take notice out of sympathy.  I am just stating how I am feeling about the whole blogging on the Internet thing.  When you think about it, who really does care about random, meandering ramblings from any isolated person on the Internet?  We are, most of us, random and isolated on the Internet, big place that it is.  I suppose there is the occasional stumble upon it encounter, but for the most part, what we write on the Internet is the same as what we write in our spiral notebooks and tuck inside our nightstand drawer, never to be seen by another soul.  Very few people are sought after in great numbers for their scrawled out pearls of wisdom.  For the rest of us, we must find a way to feel significant in spite of our obscurity.  I am finding, at the moment, this to be a daunting task.

I'm not sure where I am going with this piece.  I am just thinking out loud.  Well, typing out loud? I guess you could say.  I guess it doesn't much matter if I make a wonderful point or spew out an enlightening nugget of insight - no one is going to read it any way,  right?  So, I guess I will just end with, I have not decided yet whether I love or hate Internet blogging, but I have decided that it is worth pondering.