We can't expect every day to dawn with the angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus at our bedside; that is just not realistic. However, when we find ourselves having day after day, week after week of bad days, then some examination is probably necessary.
Examination is what I forced upon myself this morning, as I drove home from my fourth trip to a school to drop one of my kids off. I was so mad at the fact that I had had to take each child separately this morning. I was mad at my husband because he didn't check with my daughter, whom he usually drops off, to see that she had a later practice call time today, so he got up, got ready and then was unwilling to wait until she was ready (35 minutes later) to take her, so he left. I was mad at my daughter because she didn't tell her dad last night about the later practice time. I was mad at my 7th grader because he wasn't ready to go right when I left to take my daughter to school, so I couldn't just drop him at middle school on my way to the high school. I was mad at my 6th grader because he doesn't want to go at the same time as his 7th grade brother because he doesn't want to sit in the cafeteria before the first bell rings. I was mad at my 9th grader, because...well, I don't know why I was mad, besides that I was just mad at making that FOURTH trip to drop a kid off. Mad at the whole family, I was. It is a good thing the dogs didn't get in my way, I may have kicked one of them just for good measure. I drove home in a fuming huff. Then it dawned on me - It is all on ME. Myself is who I should be mad at, not them.
Here's why I should be mad at myself - I haven't been taking care of myself. I know that when I don't eat right, don't get enough physical activity, don't get enough sleep, etc. I can't handle the stresses that inevitably arise in a household consisting of six people, four of whom are teen/tween age, and by definition couldn't care less about anyone but themselves and getting their own needs met. Some people may be able to handle all that a life such as this hands out, while eating a steady diet off sweets and coffee on 5 hours of sleep a night, but I can't. And I know this, but it is the Eating Season after all, so in my stupidity (from bad food choices), I once again find myself at a low point three weeks before Christmas. *sigh*
It didn't take me long to go from really mad at the family, to feeling horrible about myself, as is my pattern. I start to take my inventory, and I always come up wanting. I have no self control, so I eat sugary foods even though I know they are like poison to my system; I am consequently a fat cow who deserves to be so because of the aforementioned lack of self control; A face full of pimples, one the size of a small European country, is what I get for not being able to push my plate away; If only I were a better, stronger, wiser person, I would be able to handle things better, etc, etc, etc. These are the things that come so easily to my mind. It is almost like a knee-jerk reaction to stress. I really hate that my mind goes there so quickly. But I am glad that now, at age 46, I am able to more quickly counter those feeling of self-flagellation.
I know there is only one choice here, well I guess there are two choices, but the choice of just letting it be as is, is not really an option at this juncture. The choice has to be to push through the stress and make some changes. I will go to the store and pick up a plethora of healthy foods that I love to have on hand. No more excuses about not having anything without a lot of sugar in the house, so I might as well grab a cookie. When my body starts to balk because it is craving sugar like a drug addict, I will remember the prize and press on. Oh, I am not delusional, I know it won't be easy. Especially this time of year, but I also know that going on as I have been these last 2-3 months is not an option. I have to do this, not just for me, but for my family as well. They deserve to have a mom/wife who doesn't overreact to everyday life.
Looking at myself and finding myself wanting is easy, it is doing something about it that is the hard part. I feel better already, just having made the decision to make the changes I need to make. I am committed to this I am committed to this and as always, I will lean on my God for strength, but I would also love it if you wish me luck. Pray for me. Send me vibes. Whatever positive energy you wish to send my way would be greatly and gratefully appreciated. I will update and let you know how it is going. Thanks.