Sunday, July 7, 2013
When I encounter an accusation, I am apt to believe myself in the wrong, even if, upon further reflection, and fact checking, I am not. I start to feel guilty that I may have hurt someone, or I feel as if I deserve to be treated poorly.
I struggle getting to the bottom of where the feeling come from, however, I sense, that once I put my finger on the catalyst for the feelings, I will be able to change them, turn them around, and reeact differently too. I believe this will go a long way toward healing some deep wounds inside of me.
Through therapy and introspection I learned a great deal about identifying obstacles to healthy emotional living. Identifying is the easy part, however.
The most difficult task begins when we start to dissect the reason(s) we have the issue in the first place. Is it something from our childhood that is now surfacing? Is it in some way beneficial to us to stay stuck in unhealthy behavior? Are we using one issue to mask an even greater issue that we haven't even identified yet?
So many questions; so few ready answers.
It is tough to excavate all of these feelings and thoughts. We dredge up feelings from childhood that we wish we didn't have to revisit, had completely forgotten, or didn't even know we had. We examine closely each aspect of the way we felt when a certain thing happened to us/event took place.
I find it easy to remember details of different events, and recount a story, but I am harder pressed to dredge up the way the event made me feel. I think concentrating on those feelings is key in getting to the root of the issue.
This can be pretty painful, at times, because we relive, not as a bystander/storyteller, but as a feeling participant, to the event in question. This exercise is not for the faint of heart, to be sure. I often wonder if *I* am equal to the challenge.
I press on, though, or risk being stuck, doing what I've always done and getting what I've always gotten, in return. There comes a point in our lives when we are forced to admit the status quo is not working for us any longer.
We have to take a leap off the high dive without a life jacket in order to make the changes, but once we hit the water, we find that, not only can we swim with more strength that we thought we possessed, but also, discover there are people, precious people, in the water waiting for us - ready to lend a hand if we start to go under.
This is such a comfort to me. The more issues I endeavor to conquer, the more people I discover waiting in the water for me. I feel blessed beyond measure at this discovery.
It may take me a while to dig deep enough to find the source of my feelings of deficiency and guilt, but I know that as long as I keep swimming for the shore, I will get there eventually.
And, there, swimming along side me, the beautiful people who are nothing short of life preservers in my journey.
NEEDTOBREATHE - Washed by the water.