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Painful, ugly stories are often hard to tell. Yet they are most often the ones that need to be told. Our stories of pain, depression, apathy and self abuse allow others to understand that they are not alone. When we dig deeply into our own sordid pasts, tell the stories we wish were not true, that is when we are most helpful to others. As with many difficult things in life, the first step is the hardest.
I grew up in a middle class home. A Christian home. I was not abused or tormented in any way. I was also never told that I mattered. I was never encouraged. For an introspective, sensitive child such as myself, this was the worst possible scenario. I felt guilty that I felt bad about myself. After all, there were many people in the world who had things much worse off than I. Who was I to wallow in self pity?
These conflicting emotions led me down an extremely destructive path for a number of years. I didn't really care enough about myself to care that I was self-destructing. I never actively tried to kill myself, but I certainly did not care if I lived or died. I wished many times that I had never been born. I had no purpose or future beyond taking up space on the planet. I pushed people away and then lamented that I had no one in my life who cared about me. I drank myself into oblivion in an attempt to numb my feelings of worthlessness. I slept with random strangers in an attempt to find acceptance. I starved myself in an attempt to be more attractive. None of it worked. I felt isolated, alone and scared and I had no idea how to feel any other way.
One morning, after a particularly intoxicating night out, I had a moment of clarity that pierced the darkness just enough for me to understand that I mattered and what I was doing to myself was not okay. That was the beginning of the end of the self loathing chapter in my life. Oh, the pain surely did not stop that day. Nor the next one after that, for that matter. I had a long row to hoe in order to undo all of the damage I had done to my psyche and to my body over the years. Some of the damage I had done could never be undone. I was left with battle scars - self inflicted wounds of the war I had waged with myself for such a long time. They are reminders to me to this day that I never want to be in that place again. I thank my God that I never have to be. Luckily I did survive. By all accounts I should not have, but I did and grateful I am for that.
I wish, that back when I needed help discovering my value in the world, there had been a group like To Write Love on Her Arms. It would have been a tremendous help for me to know that I was not alone in my misery - not in a 'misery loves company' type of way, but in a 'there is strength in numbers' sort of way. My dark night of the soul happened more than 20 years ago, however, so there was no Internet, no way to connect in a positive way with other people who were struggling like me. I did the work on my own to get better, but I feel it took me much longer because I felt such guilt and shame. I couldn't even share my most private thoughts with my family for fear of condemnation. I fear that even now. Guess I still have some work to do.
Yes, it would have been better to have had a shared journey with others. It is too late for that for me, but it is not too late for you to understand that you are not alone. There are people in the world who have been through or are going through just what you are. No matter how dark, depressing, anxious or destructive your life has become there is always someone else who can relate. Not only that, there is also always hope. No one is beyond redemption. No life is beyond hope. There are people who don't even know you who are willing to love you through the dark times and bring you into the light of a brighter future.
I am one person among many who loves you without ever having met you. That is why I have chosen to take a huge leap of faith and not post this journal anonymously as I first intended to. I have decided to be brave and put my past out there for you to see that past mistakes are not something to be ashamed of. I have also shown my support today for all who feel the pain of depression, addiction, thoughts of suicide and just plain self loathing by joining others in writing LOVE on my arms. It is my simple act of support to let you know that I know what you are going through. I know how you feel. I have been there. Let this day not be the end, but yet a new beginning. Let me and others like me love you.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Do you live with regrets or learn from experience?
I asked myself this question today as I perused the past 25 years of my life. I certainly had a lot of experiences and there are more than a few things I regret doing, but to be stuck in the regret would be to not learn from the experiences of the past and not learning from past experiences is perhaps one of the saddest ways to live.
I look at the girl I was at age twenty and I do wish that I could go back and tell that girl that she was way more than she gave herself credit for. She had so very little in the way of self esteem that it would be wonderful to be able to tell her not to give herself away so cheaply. I would tell her that she was smart, funny and not nearly as ugly as she thought she was. My eyes mist over as I remember how little she actually thought of herself - how many hours she spent crying and agonizing about her worth (or lack thereof). I would love to be able to save that girl just a few hours of agony, but since that is impossible, I must push on into the here and now and move on toward the future.
Even if I could go back and tell my 20 year old self the things I needed to hear at the time, knowing myself, I would not listen. I am a 'learn from my own experiences' kind of person and the only way to learn from experience is to experience life and then to take stock in the wrong decisions we made and either keep doing it wrong or try to change things and get it right. In my case multiple stumbles and wrong decisions are often necessary in order to learn the lessons that perhaps seem so simple to others. Who knows if I had actually known my worth at age 20 if that knowledge would have been of any benefit to me. It is useless to speculate, I suppose, but it is interesting none-the-less.
Yes, those experiences - good and bad, shaped the person I have become. We have to give in to the experience and cull out all the junk and keep the good parts that we learn along the way. I can regret that no one ever told me I was worth anything when I was young, or I can thank my God that he was with me even when I didn't think I was worth it. I can regret that I made some bad decisions that could have cost me my life, or I can thank my God that he saved me from myself and taught me countless lessons along the way.
The lessons that I learned made me who I am today. Having made mistakes makes me a more compassionate person. Having had low self esteem myself helps me to be more encouraging to the young people in my life. Sure, there are things I wish I would have done better and choices that would have made more sense, but I can't regret any of it. I have to think of my life as a whole and know that the journey is part and parcel of that life, not just the means to an end, but to be experienced. To live my life with regret would be my biggest regret.
I look at the girl I was at age twenty and I do wish that I could go back and tell that girl that she was way more than she gave herself credit for. She had so very little in the way of self esteem that it would be wonderful to be able to tell her not to give herself away so cheaply. I would tell her that she was smart, funny and not nearly as ugly as she thought she was. My eyes mist over as I remember how little she actually thought of herself - how many hours she spent crying and agonizing about her worth (or lack thereof). I would love to be able to save that girl just a few hours of agony, but since that is impossible, I must push on into the here and now and move on toward the future.
Even if I could go back and tell my 20 year old self the things I needed to hear at the time, knowing myself, I would not listen. I am a 'learn from my own experiences' kind of person and the only way to learn from experience is to experience life and then to take stock in the wrong decisions we made and either keep doing it wrong or try to change things and get it right. In my case multiple stumbles and wrong decisions are often necessary in order to learn the lessons that perhaps seem so simple to others. Who knows if I had actually known my worth at age 20 if that knowledge would have been of any benefit to me. It is useless to speculate, I suppose, but it is interesting none-the-less.
Yes, those experiences - good and bad, shaped the person I have become. We have to give in to the experience and cull out all the junk and keep the good parts that we learn along the way. I can regret that no one ever told me I was worth anything when I was young, or I can thank my God that he was with me even when I didn't think I was worth it. I can regret that I made some bad decisions that could have cost me my life, or I can thank my God that he saved me from myself and taught me countless lessons along the way.
The lessons that I learned made me who I am today. Having made mistakes makes me a more compassionate person. Having had low self esteem myself helps me to be more encouraging to the young people in my life. Sure, there are things I wish I would have done better and choices that would have made more sense, but I can't regret any of it. I have to think of my life as a whole and know that the journey is part and parcel of that life, not just the means to an end, but to be experienced. To live my life with regret would be my biggest regret.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
How to be a good volunteer
I have been thinking a great deal about volunteerism and the use of our personal gifts lately. I volunteer quite a bit and often wrestle with whether or not to take on a volunteer opportunity. When I first started volunteering on a regular basis, I would pretty much say yes to everything and then I would find myself burned out and resentful rather quickly. Over the years I have learned that it simply makes for a smoother ride for all involved if I limit myself to jobs that I am really good at. It just makes so much more sense. I also never realized that in my eagerness to jump in with both feet that I was hindering others from realizing their full potential as part of the group. This realization brought me up short.
We are all gifted in different ways. I am going to use my Christian perspective here, but I believe this message is relevant to everyone, no matter what your faith base. In 1 Corinthians 12:4-28 we are told that everyone has a different, unique gift and that we should use that gift in alliance with one another. This passage also uses the body as analogy to show us the significance of each part. No matter how small or large, each part, when working correctly, makes its contribution to the smooth operation of the body as a whole. So it is with people. In a group, every person has a significant role in the group. Whether it be large or small, each member must pull their own weight or the group will fall apart.
To add to this analogy, I would like to offer this - not only does every part of the body have to be in proper working order, each part has its own unique role and shouldn't take over the function of another part. If it does, then the part being taken over dies away. For example, take a person with a particular problem with his left eye in which his eye is not communicating with the brain and therefore the affected person cannot see very well out of the left eye (amblyopia). It is not that the eye lacks the capacity to see, it simply lacks the brain recognition necessary for sight. Over time the right eye takes on more and more of the seeing power, the left eye get weaker and weaker until it finally stops functioning all together. This in essence renders the person blind in the left eye. The right eye sees most things well enough, the person is able to function well for the most part, but he is still blind in that left eye and the right eye is being strained beyond its capabilities. His body not functioning at maximum levels.
This situation can be avoided all together if the doctor places a patch over the stronger right eye of his patient, thus forcing the left eye to increase its development of communicating to the brain. If all goes well at the end of such treatment, the patient most likely will be able to see clearly through both eyes. At this point, the body is working as it should; all parts are pulling their own weight and everything is in balance.
I have seen this scenario played out many times in various volunteer organization. We are so passionate about the organization itself, we are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep the group running, even if the job we take on is not in an area which we are gifted. For a while the organization will operate well, but after a while the strain of overwork will cause problems for us. What we also don't realize we have done in our zeal is that we have taken away an opportunity from someone who is actually gifted in this particular area to serve the organization. Pretty soon that person becomes discouraged at not being used and stops working completely. Then we find ourselves in a really bad position; the whole organization is limping along instead of racing to the finish line because everyone lacks direction and motivation. It is time to regroup, but we have lost valuable time spinning our wheels doing work for which we are not suited and caused others to feel frustrated at not being able to do what they do best.
It is easy to stay motivated when we are doing something for which we have a talent. When everyone is working toward the same goal, in various roles for which they have a gift, then the group really shines. So, we really have to be careful in our areas of service to be cognizant of not only the goal, but also our position in helping that goal blossom. We want the organization to have unity and strength and this comes when all people involved are working the way that is right for them. Then we really don't have to worry about the rest of the group and we are free to focus on our own activity. We should never allow our own motivation to take over the opportunity for someone else to serve. When we are all using our gifts, then no one feels overworked and no one feels under-appreciated or unfulfilled. We end up with a group in which our goals are accomplished and everyone is a winner.
We are all gifted in different ways. I am going to use my Christian perspective here, but I believe this message is relevant to everyone, no matter what your faith base. In 1 Corinthians 12:4-28 we are told that everyone has a different, unique gift and that we should use that gift in alliance with one another. This passage also uses the body as analogy to show us the significance of each part. No matter how small or large, each part, when working correctly, makes its contribution to the smooth operation of the body as a whole. So it is with people. In a group, every person has a significant role in the group. Whether it be large or small, each member must pull their own weight or the group will fall apart.
To add to this analogy, I would like to offer this - not only does every part of the body have to be in proper working order, each part has its own unique role and shouldn't take over the function of another part. If it does, then the part being taken over dies away. For example, take a person with a particular problem with his left eye in which his eye is not communicating with the brain and therefore the affected person cannot see very well out of the left eye (amblyopia). It is not that the eye lacks the capacity to see, it simply lacks the brain recognition necessary for sight. Over time the right eye takes on more and more of the seeing power, the left eye get weaker and weaker until it finally stops functioning all together. This in essence renders the person blind in the left eye. The right eye sees most things well enough, the person is able to function well for the most part, but he is still blind in that left eye and the right eye is being strained beyond its capabilities. His body not functioning at maximum levels.
This situation can be avoided all together if the doctor places a patch over the stronger right eye of his patient, thus forcing the left eye to increase its development of communicating to the brain. If all goes well at the end of such treatment, the patient most likely will be able to see clearly through both eyes. At this point, the body is working as it should; all parts are pulling their own weight and everything is in balance.
I have seen this scenario played out many times in various volunteer organization. We are so passionate about the organization itself, we are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep the group running, even if the job we take on is not in an area which we are gifted. For a while the organization will operate well, but after a while the strain of overwork will cause problems for us. What we also don't realize we have done in our zeal is that we have taken away an opportunity from someone who is actually gifted in this particular area to serve the organization. Pretty soon that person becomes discouraged at not being used and stops working completely. Then we find ourselves in a really bad position; the whole organization is limping along instead of racing to the finish line because everyone lacks direction and motivation. It is time to regroup, but we have lost valuable time spinning our wheels doing work for which we are not suited and caused others to feel frustrated at not being able to do what they do best.
It is easy to stay motivated when we are doing something for which we have a talent. When everyone is working toward the same goal, in various roles for which they have a gift, then the group really shines. So, we really have to be careful in our areas of service to be cognizant of not only the goal, but also our position in helping that goal blossom. We want the organization to have unity and strength and this comes when all people involved are working the way that is right for them. Then we really don't have to worry about the rest of the group and we are free to focus on our own activity. We should never allow our own motivation to take over the opportunity for someone else to serve. When we are all using our gifts, then no one feels overworked and no one feels under-appreciated or unfulfilled. We end up with a group in which our goals are accomplished and everyone is a winner.
Friday, September 25, 2009
What did you just call me?
I know a lot people are growing weary of being politically correct all the time, but I still feel like I need to say something on this issue. Most of us are aware, though some not always compliant, that it is in poor taste to call someone or something retarded or gay. These words, when used out of context are rude to people for whom these words actually apply. There are also more appropriate ways to describe said people. Hopefully everyone is at least making an effort to not offend others and have stopped using these words.
Along the same lines though are a few other words that are bandied about in casual conversation, used inappropriately and can be offensive. Words like, bi-polar, shitzo, manic or mental. There are people who live daily with diagnosed mental illness. These people have feelings, rights and opinions just like everyone else. When these words are used to describe someone who is acting out of the norm or is perceived as being bizarre - it is not okay. It is rude and offensive.
This is what I tell my kids about the words they use to describe people: When you are describing some maladaptive behavior in someone and are tempted to use one of the words I have listed above, substitute your own name for that adjective. Does it still sound okay to say "Oh my goodness she is acting so Kim"? I don't think so. I think anyone would be offended if their own name where used to put someone else down. It doesn't seem so insignificant when you are the one who is being personified as some sort of freak of nature.
We should all try to be more aware of those around us and how our words can offend. Whoever said words can never hurt was so dead wrong. Words can wound like nothing else in my opinion. We are all different, unique and individual people. We should build one another up with our words instead of being disrespectful by our casual use of words that we really know nothing about. There are plenty of other adjectives out there that can be used instead of bi-polar, shitzo, manic or mental. We should expand our vocabulary instead of inadvertently offending others because we don't know what the heck we're saying. We should educate ourselves.
Along the same lines though are a few other words that are bandied about in casual conversation, used inappropriately and can be offensive. Words like, bi-polar, shitzo, manic or mental. There are people who live daily with diagnosed mental illness. These people have feelings, rights and opinions just like everyone else. When these words are used to describe someone who is acting out of the norm or is perceived as being bizarre - it is not okay. It is rude and offensive.
This is what I tell my kids about the words they use to describe people: When you are describing some maladaptive behavior in someone and are tempted to use one of the words I have listed above, substitute your own name for that adjective. Does it still sound okay to say "Oh my goodness she is acting so Kim"? I don't think so. I think anyone would be offended if their own name where used to put someone else down. It doesn't seem so insignificant when you are the one who is being personified as some sort of freak of nature.
We should all try to be more aware of those around us and how our words can offend. Whoever said words can never hurt was so dead wrong. Words can wound like nothing else in my opinion. We are all different, unique and individual people. We should build one another up with our words instead of being disrespectful by our casual use of words that we really know nothing about. There are plenty of other adjectives out there that can be used instead of bi-polar, shitzo, manic or mental. We should expand our vocabulary instead of inadvertently offending others because we don't know what the heck we're saying. We should educate ourselves.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Why I Volunteer
I do a lot of volunteer work. I do about 30 hours a week of volunteer work as a matter of fact. I don't say that to toot my own horn. I have an ulterior motive for my altruistic ways. It just makes me feel good. I feel almost guilty that it make me feel so good. It is almost like I don't even care what the cause is, I just love to volunteer for it. Well, that is not exactly true, because I do pick my volunteer opportunities carefully and I love all the places and organizations I volunteer for. For the past 10 years I have concentrated most of my volunteer activities at the public schools my children attend. This year they are in three different schools so it gives me a great opportunity to make a difference to a wider variety of students and staff. I love everyone at all three school, but my heart will always belong to the elementary school where my youngest attends fifth grade. All four of my kids have attended from kindergarten through fifth grade at the school and I have loved every minute of ever hour I've spent volunteering there.
This morning was a typical volunteer day for me. My daughter arranged a ride for herself to get to high school, which is a couple of miles away and starts an hour and a half later than the elementary school. This would allow me to drop my two middle school kids off a bit early and be at the elementary school with my youngest before the bell rang so that I could help out with Picture Day. As luck would have it, it was raining this morning and a two minute drive to the middle school took more like 15. I was in a rush when I arrived at the elementary school. The carpool line was really long, so I decided to circumvent the line and proceed to the parking lot. I signalled well in advance so that people would know that I was turning. As I made my turn, I heard a horn honking at me. I didn't think much of it because I just figured someone wasn't aware that I wasn't cutting in line, but only going around them to park. No big deal. I parked and got out of the car. As I was closing my car door an angry dad yelled at me, as he was getting his daughter out of the car "Hey, you cut me off back there!" I said "No, I didn't I had my signal on". He claimed I didn't and proceeded to tell me that if I did it again he would call the police on me. I just said "You know what, I'm not going to get into it" and walked into the building.
Later on I saw the parent telling the Principal about the incendent. Oh, well, what can you do, right? After all these years I just hoped that the Principal would understand that I am not a rude driver who cuts people off in the school parking lot. I mean, I do yell at people when I drive, but I don't make jestures or cut people off, especially in the SCHOOL PARKING LOT - that is another journal altogether. I have to show my face around that school, I love it there, I wouldn't do something stupid in the parking lot. I just hoped the Principal knew that. Luckily she did.
Fast forward a couple (four) hours into the ordeal that is picture day at an elementary school to the reason I love volunteering so much. I was still funneling the children onto the cafeteria stage when one of the grades came in to eat their lunches. I look over to my right and a cute little girl (the daughter of the man who had reamed me out) motioned for me to come over to her. I went over, figuring she needed help opening her milk - a frequent need for children her age. The kids are used to seeing me there and most think I work there, so they think nothing of asking me to do a task for them. So, I said "What do you need, sweetie?". She said to me "I just wanted to say I am sorry my daddy yelled at you this morning." I was flabbergasted. I said "Oh, sweetie, it's okay, no big deal, see I'm fine now." And then this little girl with big brown eyes looked at me and said "I just wanted to apologize because I knew my daddy wouldn't." O.My.Goodness. That broke my heart into a million pieces.
Incidents like that cement my belief that one person can make a difference in a child's life. Over the years I have had similar incidences, although not quite so dramatic happen with various students. I have felt their need and have taken the extra time to seek them out and say hi to them, ask about their day, look them in the eye and tell them they rock. There are kids out there, even in wealthy suburbs who are starving for this kind of attention. It is a tragedy that is happening at every school in every city across the nation. I have committed to standing in the gap for these children. Maybe, just maybe when they are needing a little pick me up, they will recall that I high fived them in the hall, remembered their name and said something positive to them about themselves. It may not seem like much, but it is the least I can do.
Everyone should know the joy that volunteering brings to your life. There really is nothing like it in the world. I don't want any kudos for the work that I do without getting paid. The benefits are so great and it makes me so happy that it really wouldn't be fair to get paid for it anyway. I never plan to stop.
This morning was a typical volunteer day for me. My daughter arranged a ride for herself to get to high school, which is a couple of miles away and starts an hour and a half later than the elementary school. This would allow me to drop my two middle school kids off a bit early and be at the elementary school with my youngest before the bell rang so that I could help out with Picture Day. As luck would have it, it was raining this morning and a two minute drive to the middle school took more like 15. I was in a rush when I arrived at the elementary school. The carpool line was really long, so I decided to circumvent the line and proceed to the parking lot. I signalled well in advance so that people would know that I was turning. As I made my turn, I heard a horn honking at me. I didn't think much of it because I just figured someone wasn't aware that I wasn't cutting in line, but only going around them to park. No big deal. I parked and got out of the car. As I was closing my car door an angry dad yelled at me, as he was getting his daughter out of the car "Hey, you cut me off back there!" I said "No, I didn't I had my signal on". He claimed I didn't and proceeded to tell me that if I did it again he would call the police on me. I just said "You know what, I'm not going to get into it" and walked into the building.
Later on I saw the parent telling the Principal about the incendent. Oh, well, what can you do, right? After all these years I just hoped that the Principal would understand that I am not a rude driver who cuts people off in the school parking lot. I mean, I do yell at people when I drive, but I don't make jestures or cut people off, especially in the SCHOOL PARKING LOT - that is another journal altogether. I have to show my face around that school, I love it there, I wouldn't do something stupid in the parking lot. I just hoped the Principal knew that. Luckily she did.
Fast forward a couple (four) hours into the ordeal that is picture day at an elementary school to the reason I love volunteering so much. I was still funneling the children onto the cafeteria stage when one of the grades came in to eat their lunches. I look over to my right and a cute little girl (the daughter of the man who had reamed me out) motioned for me to come over to her. I went over, figuring she needed help opening her milk - a frequent need for children her age. The kids are used to seeing me there and most think I work there, so they think nothing of asking me to do a task for them. So, I said "What do you need, sweetie?". She said to me "I just wanted to say I am sorry my daddy yelled at you this morning." I was flabbergasted. I said "Oh, sweetie, it's okay, no big deal, see I'm fine now." And then this little girl with big brown eyes looked at me and said "I just wanted to apologize because I knew my daddy wouldn't." O.My.Goodness. That broke my heart into a million pieces.
Incidents like that cement my belief that one person can make a difference in a child's life. Over the years I have had similar incidences, although not quite so dramatic happen with various students. I have felt their need and have taken the extra time to seek them out and say hi to them, ask about their day, look them in the eye and tell them they rock. There are kids out there, even in wealthy suburbs who are starving for this kind of attention. It is a tragedy that is happening at every school in every city across the nation. I have committed to standing in the gap for these children. Maybe, just maybe when they are needing a little pick me up, they will recall that I high fived them in the hall, remembered their name and said something positive to them about themselves. It may not seem like much, but it is the least I can do.
Everyone should know the joy that volunteering brings to your life. There really is nothing like it in the world. I don't want any kudos for the work that I do without getting paid. The benefits are so great and it makes me so happy that it really wouldn't be fair to get paid for it anyway. I never plan to stop.
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