Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sabbatical - Day 2

Write a book? Create a website? Who, me? Why me? That is what the nagging little voice inside my head taunts. Why would anyone want to read anything I wrote? Only a few friends will ever read it and they will do so only to be nice, so as not to hurt my feelings. What makes me special? Look at all the books out there, and at all the blog website there are. Surely, what they have to say and their writing is far superior to my attempts. See? In just a few short, negative thoughts, I have talked myself out of something I have wanted to do since childhood - well, write a book, that is. This website thing is relatively new and was not something I dreamed of as a child, but for the past several years I have thought about it. I always come away with the same thing every time I think on and dream about it, though. You know why? Because I always tell myself the same thing -duh! Well, it's time to turn some of those thought patterns around and now is as good a time as any to do just that, so here goes.

Who, me? Yes, why not me? Who cares if anyone reads it, it's no big deal if only a few people read it, it's the process of writing that really matters. Getting the thoughts out of my head and down on paper (or cyber-space) is the objective. I can do that. The creative outlet is what the process is all about. What makes me think I am special? Nothing. And everything. Everyone is ordinary and everyone is special. That is a fact of life as I see it. God created us all with the same basic instincts, but all with unique characteristics. What could be more wonderful than that? No one who has ever written a book or created a popular website is any more or less special than I. They probably have the same anxieties and fears and insecurities as I have, but there is one slight difference - they had the courage to put themselves out there but, up until now, I haven't. Oh, yes, I have stuck my toe in the water, written things, and put myself out there to an extent, but I have never gone for the Full Monty. It is time.

The time has come to lay aside my fears of rejection and my anxiety at the thought of looking foolish. It is these fears and anxieties that keep me stuck in the past and present; they prevent me from moving ahead. In a way they have been my crutch. As long as I tell myself these negative things that I started this post with, I don't have to really try-- I can keep making excuses and hide behind my anxiety. I never realized until now how comfortable I had become with living in fear. Fear has given me a free pass from doing things that are uncomfortable for me. Anxiety has cocooned me in a way that has not been conducive to my dreams, but has nonetheless made me feel so safe and secure that it has crippled me from really living.

As a Christian, I have no business being fearful or anxious. I know that 1 John 4:18 clearly tells me that God lives in me and that his love drives out all fear and that Philippians 4:6 says that I should be anxious for nothing. I have read these passages of scripture over and over through the years. They have stuck in my head; I can recall them at will. However, somehow, they have not embedded themselves into heart. There has been a disconnect between what I intellectually know to be true, and what I feel is true. I am ready to make that connection. Living in fear has done nothing to move me toward my goals and dreams. It has done nothing to improve the relationships in my life. Living in fear does not draw me closer to God's love. Therefore, I must give it up. I have to put down the crutch and take up the cross and follow wherever the road takes me. I know I have a great leader in God and the dreams he has for me are bigger than anything I have imagined for myself. My job is to prepare myself for the free-fall that will occur once I let go of the crutch and to trust that the arms that hold the universe will have the grace to catch me.

Here I GO!

Fee - Arms that Hold the Universe