Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, a day where many Christians, myself included reflect on the sacrifice of Jesus, and in turn reflect on our lives and perhaps find some things we ourselves should sacrifice, for the 40 days between now and Easter Sunday. Not that our small sacrifices could even measure up to that of Jesus' sacrifice, but we do it as a gesture of obedience and solidarity.
I'm not one to give up things just for the sake of saying I gave up X for Lent. I like for my sacrifice to mean something, or ti be life changing. Otherwise, to my mind, what's the point? So, as I sat in church service last night, I thought about the past year and all it's struggles, and a thought came to me. I should give up those struggles! I should stop carrying them around like anchor around my neck; keeping me for moving forward, instead, I should lay them down and humbly accept the fact that I can't do anything about them on my own.
I have a daunting journey ahead of me and I will be chronicling that journey here on my blog, as I attempt to (begin to) lose 50 lbs; sort out my mental health issues; and draw myself into a closer relationship with my God. I want to share, with all of you. the struggles, the heartache, the setbacks and hopefully some triumphs as well, I want to share in an unvarnished and honest way. I have to be honest, first of all, and say it's not going to be easy, but important things rarely are easy or simple.
The hardest thing, the first rattle out of the box, is sharing, with you, this picture I took of myself this morning. All 180 pounds of me. It's difficult for me to even look at this photo, much less show it to the world. 180 is a number I've never seen on a scale before. 40 pounds is what I've put on in the past year, consoling and medicating myself with food.
I've struggled with body image my whole life and to admit this weight, and show it, raw and unedited, to the world is definitely one of the hardest things I've done in a long, long time. It would be much easier if I could post a nice sleek-newly-healthy-weight picture of myself beside it. I would feel so much better saying - look at what I USED to look like. However, that picture will have to wait until later because this is what it is. The journey begins today with one step.
I hope you will come along side me on this journey. It doesn't matter if you're Christian, or Buddhist, Pagan or Atheist or anything in between, we can all learn lessons of healing our bodies, minds and spirits together and I hope you will join me, maybe even start your own journey. I look forward to the next 40 days and what unfolds as we peel back the layers, both literally and figuratively.