Saturday, December 15, 2012

How to Properly Deposit Your Dirty Dishes in the Sink

As you walk up to the sink with your dirty dish and look in, ignore all human instinct that says "Clean your environment", just close your eyes and add your dish to the stack.  If it's a plate with eggs, cheese, or even a substance as seemingly innocuous as bar-b-que sauce or ketchup, do not, under any circumstances rinse the residual food/condiments off the plate.

If you have some sort of liquid in a drinking apparatus, leave it in the cup.  Alternately, you can pour it out.  This is especially useful for dark/brightly colored drinks like hot chocolate, coffee and sports drinks. By all means, do not pour the liquid directly down the drain, however, pour it right in the middle of the white porcelain sink.

If you've finished a bowl of something chunky like soup or salsa, likewise pour the remaining contents in the middle of the sink and/or any dishes that are already in there.  Don't rinse it however; leave the sticky bits in the bowl.  Alternately, you can fill the bowl half full of water. This technique also works well for milk glasses as well, as you will learn in the next set of instructions.

When you approach the sink with eating utensils, the best thing to do is find a milk glass that someone has filled with water and shove your forks, spoons, knives, etc. into that glass.  Don't even think about rinsing them first, the dirty water in the glass does the work for you, just shove them in there and be done with it.  This maximizes the amount of floating debris the next person to step up to the sink will encounter.

Always, always place dirty bowls as close to the water spout as possible.  That way, every time someone comes in and turns the water on, the bowl gets filled just that much more with water.  The optimizes the chance that the remnants of the bowl will rise to the top, preferably spilling over the side, coming to rest on the bottom of the sink, so as to maximize, not only germ production, but also, time spent scraping dried bits of food off the bottom of the sink once the sink is finally emptied.

Which leads us to emptying the sink and loading the dishwasher:

Halfheartedly rinse the dishes and add them to the dishwasher.  Under no circumstance are you to wash anything you've been told is hand-washable.  Leave it behind for someone else to handle.  Alternately, you can "forget" it's hand-washable and bury it in the bowels of the dishwasher, so that when someone runs the dishwasher there is absolutely no way for them to see said object and it will be destroyed in the washing process.  Always leave a few dishes behind too.  Just keep loading until you get bored and then whatever hasn't been loaded should just be left in the sink.

Next, after all, or most, of the dishes have been loaded, walk away.  Don't.  I repeat DO NOT rinse out the sink. Leave all food bits, coffee grounds, slimy substances and simmering bacteria behind.

If you can't stomach the process of unearthing the dishes from the layers of food and coffee grounds.  If you don't have the constitution to conquer those filthy water-filled glasses of eating utensils, no worries.  Someone else will come along and do the job at some point.  She.  Yes, I said SHE, will load everything efficiently into the dishwasher, hand-wash anything that needs special care and then rinse, scrub and sanitize the sink.

AS SOON as the sink is empty, you must, for all that is sacred, start the process over immediately.  The sink must never be allowed to be white, shiny and sanitary. This is important in the overall health and cleanliness of the entire family, so it behooves repeating - Never allow the sink to stay empty for more than 30 minutes at any given time.

This concludes the lesson for today.  Soon, I will give a lesson in loading the dishwasher in the most inefficient many possible. Until next time, then.