I find myself in an unfamiliar place today. The place is known as I-have-no-idea-what-to-do-next. I realize now the times in my life I felt I was at the door of I-have-no-idea-what-to-do-next, those times were only to prepare me for the real deal, which is now, those times were to teach that I can overcome. I can climb out of the pit. There are lessons to be learned from every broken moment in our lives and this moment is no exception; I know that to be true. However, I have no idea what the lesson is, as yet.
There are some who know me, and for whatever reason, dislike me, who may rejoice in my brokenness. When that thought first occurred to me, I was afraid to write about the situation, after all. I might just keep it in, or write about it and not publish it, I thought to myself. In the end though, I knew that being open and honest about all aspects of my life has always been my goal with this blog, and all the on-line journals I've written. I think it is important to allow people to see our pain as well as our happiness. Real life consists of both and in order to share in the human experience, we must give voice to all circumstances, good and bad.
Usually when I'm going through a trial, I write about it. But before I write about it, I pray about it. I ruminate about it, letting all the emotions of the moment wash over me as I study the situation from all angles and pray about it some more. I read scripture, and I pray some more. Once that process is complete, I am usually ready to write because some nugget of wisdom, truth or encouragement has occurred to me during the process.
The problem I'm having at this particular juncture is that I'm at a loss for words. I've prayed, studied, ruminated and prayed some more and -- nothing. I have no more insight into this situation than I did before. That's how I know it's my darkest hour. I am up against a force so fierce that all of my old arsenal isn't working.
What do we do at times like these? How in the world do we pull ourselves out of so overwhelming a situation? Well, logic would tell us that if something isn't working, we should try something else, right? But what?
For me, as a Christian, I know my answers lie somewhere between Genesis and Exodus and furthermore, I know I'm not alone in fumbling through those books, chapters and verses. No, I am promised a guide in the form of the Holy Spirit who intercedes for me, and often has the task of giving voice to my pain when all I have to offer is groans, moaning and tears.
I'm not sure when, or how, this crisis will end, but I always have hope. I look at the lessons learned by men and women in much greater pain than I, and it gives me strength to face another day. It gives me peace that even in the midst of chaos, God is present in my life. The same God who guided Jesus through the greatest of all trials, is the same God who embraces me and says - For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you (Isaiah 41:13)
I still have no clue in what form God's help will come. I don't even begin to know, but I know help is coming. I have no choice while I'm waiting for the help, besides letting go of my fear and sitting still in the presence of my God, so that's what I'm going to do next. If nothing else, the question of what to do next has been answered. And I wait.