Friday, March 2, 2012
A couple of days ago on my blog, I shared with you my struggle in changing my medication. At the time, I stressed how important it is to just hold on, because nothing bad lasts forever. Well, I have to tell you, I'm having a hard time holding on right now.
As I survey my house, from the disorganized coffee (catch-all) table, to the toothpaste globs in the bathroom sink, to the laundry room full of clean and dirty clothes with no distinction between the two, not to mention the dinner menu that needs to be prepared, the grocery shopping that needs to happen, the 3:30 kid pick-up time looming on the horizon, I feel beyond the point where I can hold on. I just want to throw my hands up and run screaming from my home; to keep running until my legs give out.
I feel like I can't hold on. And that feeling that I can't hold on, in and of itself, makes me feel ridiculous, because the things I need to do are not extraordinary things, they're just normal, everyday things that need to be done. Things that every mom does every day. So why does it seem so insurmountable?
I've been reading some blogs this week. Blogs written by extraordinary women, women whose husbands have died, women who have cancer, women who've received tremendous, life altering blows in their lives, and yet they seem to be able to handle their burdens with so much more grace than I seem to possess even for the ordinary, because here I am trying to face the everyday and I feel it's just too much.
When I started this journey last week, I thought my main goal was to lose some weight and get my body healthy, but I'm finding more work to be done on my mind and my soul than I realized. The mind and the body, along with the soul, are so interconnected. It's hard to make progress in one area without paying attention to what another facet is telling us.
They say that pain is the body's way of telling you there's something wrong. The same can be said of the mind, I suppose. Our mind screams with pain, albeit not physical pain, but pain none the less, to tell us to stop, take notice and fix whatever is wrong. At this moment I can do nothing more than stop and take notice of the pain. I'm not sure what I'm looking at, beyond mind-numbing-depressive pain, quite frankly, but I'm taking notice alright.
I do so wish I possessed the positive attitudes, and hearts full of grace that the women bloggers I mentioned earlier have. I long to take the bumps in life in stride, and keep moving forward. I yearn to have the courage to face, head on, whatever life throws at me. I have a deep desire to meet my challenges with grace and dignity. I don't want to just sail through the day, I want to soar, and inspire along the way.
I don't know if I have the mettle, the strength of spirit, for that kind of inspirational life, but I know I have no choice but to continue to hold on. And hope.