Posts
I have a love hate relationship with the Internet in general and with blogging in particular. On the one hand, I love the freedom to gather information and write whatever I want to that blogging affords me. I also like that other people can read what I write and give me feedback versus simply writing my thoughts down in a spiral notebook (of which I have many tucked away in various corners of my house) where no one will probably ever read what I have written. I also enjoy connecting with new people and reconnecting with people from my past. Those are a few of the positive aspects of being 'out there' in cyber-space.
On the other hand are the negatives that I can't seem to shake to the extent that I could a few years, or even a few months ago, so I find myself reevaluating the usefulness of continuing to blog, which is essentially laying my heart and soul bare for others to view, dissect and discuss. One of the most disturbing aspects is my feeling of irrelevance. This is not a new feeling. I have felt incidental in most settings all of my life. Not hated or rejected so much as invisible. No, it's not a new feeling, just a new setting for an old feeling; a feeling I would dearly love to put aside and never have to revisit. I am not sure that the cold world of the Internet is the place to master this desire, however. I think that by making myself vulnerable in my writing, by writing about such personal things, I have only exacerbated my feelings of insignificance because I can see that it's really not that important to anyone else. I'm not that important to anyone else. Except maybe someone who has an axe to grind with me, or someone who wants to find a reason to dislike me. Those people seem to be the only ones clamoring to read what I write.
I'm not here to throw a Pity Party or to make people take notice out of sympathy. I am just stating how I am feeling about the whole blogging on the Internet thing. When you think about it, who really does care about random, meandering ramblings from any isolated person on the Internet? We are, most of us, random and isolated on the Internet, big place that it is. I suppose there is the occasional stumble upon it encounter, but for the most part, what we write on the Internet is the same as what we write in our spiral notebooks and tuck inside our nightstand drawer, never to be seen by another soul. Very few people are sought after in great numbers for their scrawled out pearls of wisdom. For the rest of us, we must find a way to feel significant in spite of our obscurity. I am finding, at the moment, this to be a daunting task.
I'm not sure where I am going with this piece. I am just thinking out loud. Well, typing out loud? I guess you could say. I guess it doesn't much matter if I make a wonderful point or spew out an enlightening nugget of insight - no one is going to read it any way, right? So, I guess I will just end with, I have not decided yet whether I love or hate Internet blogging, but I have decided that it is worth pondering.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Justice and Mercy
I having been thinking a lot about justice and mercy lately. On the surface justice and mercy seem dichotomic, that is to say, mutually exclusive or unable to coexist. It is almost impossible to show mercy to a criminal, for instance, while still seeking justice for his crimes. It is difficult for us to separate the act, or the crime, which we feel needs justice meted out, with the person, who made a human mistake and just needs mercy. Our mind war over which is the better course to take, because we feel that neither will give us the feelings of closure that we seek.
This same battle goes on in our lives, as well as in the criminal justice system. When someone has wronged us, hurt us in some way, we want to punish that person, make them pay for their crimes against us. It seems only fitting that they should suffer, after all, they caused us injury and personal pain; justice is called for. On the other hand, we can see that their actions were a mistake; their own painful past is what perhaps made them act in such a way, so we want to be merciful, forgive and forget. Our minds and hearts rest on mercy for a moment and then, next thing we know, we are back to a place of just wanting that person to pay. On and on the circle goes - justice and mercy, two sides of the coin, waging war inside of us. It can be such a conflict that we become stuck in the cycle, unable to puzzle out the right way to react. Neither justice nor mercy, in exclusion, leaves us feeling satisfied to lay the matter to rest, once and for all.
So it is with me. I find myself in a place where justice and mercy are battling for victory in my mind (and heart) and I am stuck in the cycle. As it is with most problems in my life, make that all problems in my life, the answer to my dilemma can be found in the life of Jesus. Who better to learn a lesson from, than the man who showed mercy to the very people who crucified him, when most of us would have wanted severe justice to be served had we been in his position.
It's not that Jesus didn't have it in him to mete out justice. He did that many times. He told his followers, as well as the religious leaders around him of the consequences of their disobedience and/or non-belief. He was very clear about the lines, where they were drawn and laid down rules about the justice that would be served to those who crossed those lines. He had no problem following through with what needed to be done as a course of punishment. And yet, he never failed to see the humanity within each person with whom he dealt, showing them his love and his mercy whenever they needed it. I am in awe of how he did that, because for the life of me, I do not understand how it is possible. I know it is, though, because Jesus never expected more of himself than he expected of his servants, so if he was able to achieve it, there is a way for us also to achieve.
I have to learn, how to achieve this goal of justice meeting mercy, if I am to grow, so I need to dig a bit deeper into this subject in order to gain some wisdom. In so doing, I have come across this passage, the 23rd chapter of Matthew. Jesus is talking to a crowd of people and he warns them not to do as the religious leaders do, that being, acting pompous and pious on the outside, while dull and merciless on the inside. In verse 23 Jesus calls the leaders Blind Guides and admonishes them for straining out a gnat, all the while, swallowing a camel. Yikes! I think maybe he is telling us not to concentrate so much on the small things other people do, but to look at the big picture. Not only that, but also to look at our own dirty hand whilst we're at it. This is a lot to chew on.
When in conflict with others, there are always things we wish we had done differently. Perhaps it is better to focus more on ourselves, and the things that we might have done better, than it is to focus on the other person and how they hurt us. After all, the only things we control are our own actions and feelings. It does no good to examine and revisit what someone else did and wish that it had been different, because, try as we may, we will never be able to even fully understand, much less change what they did. We can only change ourselves; learn and grow our own insides.
Along the way, we have to learn also how to marry justice and mercy in our own lives, by changing the things that are wrong, and then setting it aside after a while. We can't live in a state of self-flagellation all the time. There comes a time when we have to be merciful with ourselves, knowing that it was in our own humanity that we erred. Nothing we ever do is irredeemable. We have to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves along with forgiving others; take the good that has been learned and leave the junk behind. Yes, I have decided that justice and mercy can indeed live hand in hand in our lives. It is a delicate balance, but it can be done.
Downhere - At War
This same battle goes on in our lives, as well as in the criminal justice system. When someone has wronged us, hurt us in some way, we want to punish that person, make them pay for their crimes against us. It seems only fitting that they should suffer, after all, they caused us injury and personal pain; justice is called for. On the other hand, we can see that their actions were a mistake; their own painful past is what perhaps made them act in such a way, so we want to be merciful, forgive and forget. Our minds and hearts rest on mercy for a moment and then, next thing we know, we are back to a place of just wanting that person to pay. On and on the circle goes - justice and mercy, two sides of the coin, waging war inside of us. It can be such a conflict that we become stuck in the cycle, unable to puzzle out the right way to react. Neither justice nor mercy, in exclusion, leaves us feeling satisfied to lay the matter to rest, once and for all.
So it is with me. I find myself in a place where justice and mercy are battling for victory in my mind (and heart) and I am stuck in the cycle. As it is with most problems in my life, make that all problems in my life, the answer to my dilemma can be found in the life of Jesus. Who better to learn a lesson from, than the man who showed mercy to the very people who crucified him, when most of us would have wanted severe justice to be served had we been in his position.
It's not that Jesus didn't have it in him to mete out justice. He did that many times. He told his followers, as well as the religious leaders around him of the consequences of their disobedience and/or non-belief. He was very clear about the lines, where they were drawn and laid down rules about the justice that would be served to those who crossed those lines. He had no problem following through with what needed to be done as a course of punishment. And yet, he never failed to see the humanity within each person with whom he dealt, showing them his love and his mercy whenever they needed it. I am in awe of how he did that, because for the life of me, I do not understand how it is possible. I know it is, though, because Jesus never expected more of himself than he expected of his servants, so if he was able to achieve it, there is a way for us also to achieve.
I have to learn, how to achieve this goal of justice meeting mercy, if I am to grow, so I need to dig a bit deeper into this subject in order to gain some wisdom. In so doing, I have come across this passage, the 23rd chapter of Matthew. Jesus is talking to a crowd of people and he warns them not to do as the religious leaders do, that being, acting pompous and pious on the outside, while dull and merciless on the inside. In verse 23 Jesus calls the leaders Blind Guides and admonishes them for straining out a gnat, all the while, swallowing a camel. Yikes! I think maybe he is telling us not to concentrate so much on the small things other people do, but to look at the big picture. Not only that, but also to look at our own dirty hand whilst we're at it. This is a lot to chew on.
When in conflict with others, there are always things we wish we had done differently. Perhaps it is better to focus more on ourselves, and the things that we might have done better, than it is to focus on the other person and how they hurt us. After all, the only things we control are our own actions and feelings. It does no good to examine and revisit what someone else did and wish that it had been different, because, try as we may, we will never be able to even fully understand, much less change what they did. We can only change ourselves; learn and grow our own insides.
Along the way, we have to learn also how to marry justice and mercy in our own lives, by changing the things that are wrong, and then setting it aside after a while. We can't live in a state of self-flagellation all the time. There comes a time when we have to be merciful with ourselves, knowing that it was in our own humanity that we erred. Nothing we ever do is irredeemable. We have to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves along with forgiving others; take the good that has been learned and leave the junk behind. Yes, I have decided that justice and mercy can indeed live hand in hand in our lives. It is a delicate balance, but it can be done.
Downhere - At War
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Taking Responsibility, Not Carrying the Guilt.
A person can only take on so much guilt before it becomes too much to bear. It is hard sometimes to distinguish between personal responsibility and guilt. I am willing to take personal responsibility for my actions and to take steps to change behavior that caused pain in the lives of those in my orbit, so that it doesn't happen again. What I cannot do, is carry the guilt around with me, like an albatross. There comes a time when I have to relinquish the guilt, knowing that I have done what I can.
This is hard for me. I have always taken guilt upon myself and have a hard time doing things just because I need to, but, I am learning that it is okay to be selfish sometimes. There is only so much I can do to insure that others aren't affected by my actions. I can only sometimes predict how someone is going to react and I can never control their reactions. I am only responsible for myself and doing what is right, for me, is often all I can do. Now, this doesn't mean I have no responsibility beyond myself, it simply means that I can only control one person, and that is me. If I have done something that hurts someone that I care about, I can control how I handle it, by apologizing and asking what I can do to help them recover, I cannot control what they do after that. If they choose to hold a grudge, keep bringing the issue up again and again, or otherwise cannot see their way to forgiving me, then it is no longer on me. It doesn't absolve me of my original guilt or make it as if I never did anything wrong, but I cannot keep reliving my guilt by taking on the pain of everyone around me and beyond.
I realize actions have a ripple effect and that I don't live in a vacuum. What I do affects not only those in my inner circle, but also those close to those in my inner circle. I understand that; but my understanding it doesn't mean I take upon myself the guilt for all of it. There is only so much I can do, and only so much I can take and at a certain point I have to say - enough. I have reached that point at this moment. Enough. I have had enough. Enough accusation. Enough disapproval. Enough admonishment. Enough dressing down. Just enough, already. I will no longer be carrying it around; I am laying it down.
I would love to fix the hurt feelings of everyone I know, and everyone who knows everyone I know. I would love to go back and change the past as well. Would that I had had a crystal ball, to predict the outcome and full scope of personal involvement, of those around, to my actions, I would, possibly, have done things differently, but I didn't have a crystal ball of prediction. And even if I could change how I did things, there is no guarantee things would have turned out differently, had I begun the process in a different manner. What I did had to be done, there is no getting around that fact. I had to choose self-preservation over saving face. I had no choice; I could no longer maintain a friendship that had run its course.
In the end there are those who can't forgive me, will never see that my intentions were not malicious. Selfish? Perhaps. But never malicious. I understand there is sometimes a price to pay for any selfish, self-preserving act. Even knowing that, I can't say I am sorry for some of the outcome. Often, trial by fire is the only way to refine our relationships. During these stressful times we find out who survives the fires without reducing themselves to, what I perceive to be, petty, insulting, nasty behavior. We find out who can remain steadfast, take responsibility, and ask for forgiveness when necessary, without degradation. Those who don't survive the fire in quite such admirable fashion; they have shown their mettle. Do we really want to align ourselves with those who don't value the same things we value in a relationship? I know I don't. Understand this: that is not to say I don't regret losing some friendships, I do, I mourn the loss, but when it's all said and done, I need to form close relationships with people who live their lives in line with my own principles.
We all make mistakes, but it is what we do after we make the mistake that shows the world what we are genuinely made of. I pray that I can redeem myself in the eyes of some, by the way that I live, how I interact, and by the way I make the most of a bad situation, learn from it, and move on into a life of peace and grace. As for some others, I regret the loss, but I am afraid I will never live up to their expectations, so I absolve myself of the guilt I feel, having given up fighting for their approval. I press on, hand in hand with those who still respect and love me without caveat. It is to them, and to my God, that I answer.
This is hard for me. I have always taken guilt upon myself and have a hard time doing things just because I need to, but, I am learning that it is okay to be selfish sometimes. There is only so much I can do to insure that others aren't affected by my actions. I can only sometimes predict how someone is going to react and I can never control their reactions. I am only responsible for myself and doing what is right, for me, is often all I can do. Now, this doesn't mean I have no responsibility beyond myself, it simply means that I can only control one person, and that is me. If I have done something that hurts someone that I care about, I can control how I handle it, by apologizing and asking what I can do to help them recover, I cannot control what they do after that. If they choose to hold a grudge, keep bringing the issue up again and again, or otherwise cannot see their way to forgiving me, then it is no longer on me. It doesn't absolve me of my original guilt or make it as if I never did anything wrong, but I cannot keep reliving my guilt by taking on the pain of everyone around me and beyond.
I realize actions have a ripple effect and that I don't live in a vacuum. What I do affects not only those in my inner circle, but also those close to those in my inner circle. I understand that; but my understanding it doesn't mean I take upon myself the guilt for all of it. There is only so much I can do, and only so much I can take and at a certain point I have to say - enough. I have reached that point at this moment. Enough. I have had enough. Enough accusation. Enough disapproval. Enough admonishment. Enough dressing down. Just enough, already. I will no longer be carrying it around; I am laying it down.
I would love to fix the hurt feelings of everyone I know, and everyone who knows everyone I know. I would love to go back and change the past as well. Would that I had had a crystal ball, to predict the outcome and full scope of personal involvement, of those around, to my actions, I would, possibly, have done things differently, but I didn't have a crystal ball of prediction. And even if I could change how I did things, there is no guarantee things would have turned out differently, had I begun the process in a different manner. What I did had to be done, there is no getting around that fact. I had to choose self-preservation over saving face. I had no choice; I could no longer maintain a friendship that had run its course.
In the end there are those who can't forgive me, will never see that my intentions were not malicious. Selfish? Perhaps. But never malicious. I understand there is sometimes a price to pay for any selfish, self-preserving act. Even knowing that, I can't say I am sorry for some of the outcome. Often, trial by fire is the only way to refine our relationships. During these stressful times we find out who survives the fires without reducing themselves to, what I perceive to be, petty, insulting, nasty behavior. We find out who can remain steadfast, take responsibility, and ask for forgiveness when necessary, without degradation. Those who don't survive the fire in quite such admirable fashion; they have shown their mettle. Do we really want to align ourselves with those who don't value the same things we value in a relationship? I know I don't. Understand this: that is not to say I don't regret losing some friendships, I do, I mourn the loss, but when it's all said and done, I need to form close relationships with people who live their lives in line with my own principles.
We all make mistakes, but it is what we do after we make the mistake that shows the world what we are genuinely made of. I pray that I can redeem myself in the eyes of some, by the way that I live, how I interact, and by the way I make the most of a bad situation, learn from it, and move on into a life of peace and grace. As for some others, I regret the loss, but I am afraid I will never live up to their expectations, so I absolve myself of the guilt I feel, having given up fighting for their approval. I press on, hand in hand with those who still respect and love me without caveat. It is to them, and to my God, that I answer.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Trusting My Instincts
I have not always trusted my instincts in various situations throughout my life. I sometimes thought that trusting my instincts was somehow not using my brain. Smart people use their brain when making decisions, right? That sounds logical. What I have found, however, is that life is not always logical. There are twists, turns, corners we can't see around, and unexpected things that pop up on our life's road, that can't always be predicted by logic and planning.
Life is much like driving, actually, now that I think about it. We learn to drive we are taught the basics of driving in driver's ed, we know the rules of the road the day we get that little card with our picture on it. We set out on the road thinking we know quite a bit about what we are doing. How naive we are, though. Experience is really our best teacher and for that there is no quick-study course or shot-cut route. We have to get out there and drive, day after day, learning how to navigate those things they can't teach you in a driving class. There are blind spots, squirrels that dart in our path, people coming at us in the opposite direction too far over in our lane. So many things that we knew might happen, we were taught to look out for these things, we even got on the road and drove a bit with other people helping us watch out for the unexpected, but nothing truly prepares us for being alone in the driver's seat with no one to point out potential hazards to us. At some point we have to learn to do it all on our own, and we often make mistakes in those early days, especially if we don't trust our instincts. The rules are all well and good as a base, but if a squirrel darts in front of us, we instinctively go against the rules and swerve, maybe into the opposite lane, in order to avoid hitting it.
It is the same in our lives. We have people, usually our parents or other mentors, teaching us the basics of life, the social dos and don'ts, the rules of good behavior, that kind of thing. Our teachers even help us through relational problems, help us to navigate the unexpected things that are sure to happen in our lives. As we grow, the allow us more and more road time so that we can get comfortable with making good decisions, but they still come along side of us to aid us in staying close to the center of the road. Then one day we are on our own. We often think we are pretty savvy too. We might even think we know more than the people who taught us do. We really are naive though, we don't have enough experience under our belt, so we should be really cautious and ever mindful of the pitfalls we may encounter. We are sure to have an encounter with our own squirrel on the road, a person our instincts tell us to avoid. If we do what instincts tell us to, we will swerve to go around him. If we follow the rules of the road, which say to stay in the center of the lane, that is to say, make friends with him, as is socially acceptable, he is a nice squirrel after all, everyone else likes him, our instincts must be wrong, so we resist the urge to avoid. We encounter the squirrel and it doesn't end pretty. It never does. It's not the squirrel's fault. We should have trusted our instincts and avoided him all together. It is unfortunate that in our naivete we hit a few squirrel both literally and figuratively in our journey through life. It is the rare individual who avoids it all together.
Hopefully when we encounter these types of situations, when we are badly shaken having unintentionally injured someone, we can learn from them. We can take away positive lessons and one of the most positive, most empowering lessons we can learn is to trust our own instincts. They are usually right. We should never allow others to sway us toward ignoring what we feel deep inside. No matter how much evidence they provide to make their logical case, if our instincts say avoid, we should avoid. It ends up being better for us all, in the end, if we do. The squirrel scampers off to his den of friends who are just like him, and we continue on to our destination, arriving safely, without the shell-shock of having inadvertently annihilated a squirrel, and go on about our live.
Chalk up a bad experience to a lesson learned. I will endeavor never again to ever go against my instincts when it comes to my encounters with others.
Life is much like driving, actually, now that I think about it. We learn to drive we are taught the basics of driving in driver's ed, we know the rules of the road the day we get that little card with our picture on it. We set out on the road thinking we know quite a bit about what we are doing. How naive we are, though. Experience is really our best teacher and for that there is no quick-study course or shot-cut route. We have to get out there and drive, day after day, learning how to navigate those things they can't teach you in a driving class. There are blind spots, squirrels that dart in our path, people coming at us in the opposite direction too far over in our lane. So many things that we knew might happen, we were taught to look out for these things, we even got on the road and drove a bit with other people helping us watch out for the unexpected, but nothing truly prepares us for being alone in the driver's seat with no one to point out potential hazards to us. At some point we have to learn to do it all on our own, and we often make mistakes in those early days, especially if we don't trust our instincts. The rules are all well and good as a base, but if a squirrel darts in front of us, we instinctively go against the rules and swerve, maybe into the opposite lane, in order to avoid hitting it.
It is the same in our lives. We have people, usually our parents or other mentors, teaching us the basics of life, the social dos and don'ts, the rules of good behavior, that kind of thing. Our teachers even help us through relational problems, help us to navigate the unexpected things that are sure to happen in our lives. As we grow, the allow us more and more road time so that we can get comfortable with making good decisions, but they still come along side of us to aid us in staying close to the center of the road. Then one day we are on our own. We often think we are pretty savvy too. We might even think we know more than the people who taught us do. We really are naive though, we don't have enough experience under our belt, so we should be really cautious and ever mindful of the pitfalls we may encounter. We are sure to have an encounter with our own squirrel on the road, a person our instincts tell us to avoid. If we do what instincts tell us to, we will swerve to go around him. If we follow the rules of the road, which say to stay in the center of the lane, that is to say, make friends with him, as is socially acceptable, he is a nice squirrel after all, everyone else likes him, our instincts must be wrong, so we resist the urge to avoid. We encounter the squirrel and it doesn't end pretty. It never does. It's not the squirrel's fault. We should have trusted our instincts and avoided him all together. It is unfortunate that in our naivete we hit a few squirrel both literally and figuratively in our journey through life. It is the rare individual who avoids it all together.
Hopefully when we encounter these types of situations, when we are badly shaken having unintentionally injured someone, we can learn from them. We can take away positive lessons and one of the most positive, most empowering lessons we can learn is to trust our own instincts. They are usually right. We should never allow others to sway us toward ignoring what we feel deep inside. No matter how much evidence they provide to make their logical case, if our instincts say avoid, we should avoid. It ends up being better for us all, in the end, if we do. The squirrel scampers off to his den of friends who are just like him, and we continue on to our destination, arriving safely, without the shell-shock of having inadvertently annihilated a squirrel, and go on about our live.
Chalk up a bad experience to a lesson learned. I will endeavor never again to ever go against my instincts when it comes to my encounters with others.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
My Summer Project.
One of them, anyway. This project took me longer than I thought it would. I admit I did move slowly, though. I could have gotten it done more quickly if I had really focused. At any rate, it is done now and I am pretty happy with the results. The cost of this project was $12.00 for a quart of gloss white paint, $1.99 for the cherry rub-on appliques and $5 for a roll of shelf liner. I made my own turquoise paint by mixing together the white paint I used for the base and some craft paint that I had on hand. The handles and hinges I spray painted with paint that was already in my garage. I probably wouldn't have purposely chosen pink for the handles, but that is what I had, and it does match the colors in my kitchen. The cabinet itself was free. My dad built it a few years ago out of some cabinets he had salvaged out of a neighbor's kitchen when they remodeled. My parents used it in their laundry room for several years and passed it on to me once they no longer needed it. I think it's not bad for a $19 cabinet. Now I have food storage in my kitchen, plus a sense of accomplishment at having finished this project. Not to mention, it goes right along with my Reduce, Reuse and Recycle lifestyle. And it's cute too.
This is the cabinet before:
And here is the finished product:
This is the cabinet before:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
